Posted on by Peg · 4 Comments

Beautifully Broken

A couple days ago I visited with one of my favorite people in the world. She is a wonderful soul and will be ( Lord willing) turning 90 in a few weeks. I met this sweet lady when I began attending church with my husband before we married, about 20 years ago. Almost immediately this woman and I had a friendship. She is a character! Full of stories and laughs. She adores her family and is so proud of her grandchildren. The woman can cook food that makes a heart sing. I could go on. Safe to say, she is just a special blessing to me.

The last few years haven’t been easy for her. Age is taking its toll, as it seems to always do. And while she accepts some limitations, others are hard to swallow. Along with her own limits, she has been watching her husband decline as well. She does her best to encourage him, and admits that she gets frustrated. I have sensed a softening to this firecracker woman that didn’t exist before.

She is in the process of being broken. Beautifully broken.

It happens to us all, this breaking. Whether we want to admit it or not, at one point or another a limit is imposed, a situation descends, a mountain can’t be moved.

When I look back at my 42 ( almost 43 years ) I can see brokenness all along the way. I grew up in a chaotic home. Lots of fighting. Lots of fear. Lots of mistrust. It wasn’t always like that. We had good times, too. But they were always shadowed by the knowledge that just around the corner hid the next explosion between my parents. I would wonder: Would my mom, sister and I leave in the night again? Would dad leave this time? How many days would we be gone this time? The chaos inside my home was normal to me. It was only when in school in later years I realized that not everyone grew up this way. My dad left when I was 17. They divorced when I was 19. I don’t really have a relationship with my father since he left.

I think about the losses I have had along the way: A dear uncle who was like a father to me, died when I was 13. My brother in law committed suicide when I was 21. At 30, my sweet grandmother lost her battle with colon cancer. Those were all rough and had a deep impact on me.

Most recently, our family went through a period of loss that has completely impacted the people we are. In 2012, my mother in law passed away. In 2013, my father in law passed away. Most significant to me, was the death of my mother in 2014 after she battled Leukemia. Essentially, my husband and I are orphans. It is tough to be without our parents. So tough.

We have been broken.

I am in the process of seeing how beautiful being broken can be. Oh, how I fight it though! The stubborn streak runs deep in this heart. I want to be strong. I want to handle it all. I want to appear okay. The truth always comes out, however. Always. The truth is, I am not strong. I can’t handle it all. I am not okay. And when I admit this, then the healing begins.

What I am coming to understand more and more is that the stuff of my past is part of me, but it doesn’t define me. I don’t have to deny the hurt. I don’t have to pretend I’ve gotten over it. It’s part of me. Those are the pieces that have been picked up and put back together in ways in could never have imagined. It was that hurt that put my heart into a position to see my need for Christ. It is that hurt that keeps me going back to God over and over for healing.

Many times now, I recognize that the Lord is continuing to break me of, well, ME. The perfectionism, the pride, the self reliance, the lack of faith, the lack of humility. This is all part of His plan to make me into what He knows I need to be. And, though sometimes painful, it is beautiful to be broken.

From my other post you know that I love to read. There are some wonderful books I have read over the years that have encouraged me to accept this breaking more and more. Nancy Leigh DeMoss Wolgemuth has a wonderful trilogy called Brokenness, Surrender and Holiness. Dear me, it is so good. Also, Phillip Yancy’s Where is God When it Hurts? My current book, Humility, by Andrew Murray can be added to this stack as well.

My desire is to continue to let God work all things for my good ( Romans 8:28). I will rely on His love and grace and be broken, for His glory.

Posted on by Peg · 3 Comments

Look back, then move ahead

Oh, it is a new year. A new year!

In my opinion the nice part about a new year is looking back at what I learned in the previous year and thinking about what God has taught me. Then, I take all that and move forward into the unknown of this year.

There’s lots of media out there about ” words for the year” and claiming one. There are even quizzes to take to lead a person to the right word. I’ve never been into the “word” thing, but lately, as I have pondered the last year or so of my life, I have heard God speaking this word to me: Rely.

re·ly/rəˈlī/verb

Definition 1. To depend on with full trust or confidence.

“I know I can rely on your discretion”

Similar: depend, count, ban,k place, reliance, bargain, plan, reckon, anticipate, expect, pin one’s hopes on, hope for, take for granted ,take on trust, trust, be confident of, have (every) confidence in, be sure of, believe in, have faith in, pin one’s faith on, trust in, cling to, swear by, figure on

Opposite: distrust

Definition 2: To be dependent on.

“The charity has to rely entirely on public donations”

Similar: be dependent, depend, lean, hinge, turn, hang, rest, pivot

This word rings in my head over and over as I look back on 2019. There were hard things in that year. And a good hard look at it all really caused me to see that in so many ways I was not relying on the One who I claim to love and follow. I relied on myself, mostly, with poor results. Let me share some:

Parenting:

In the latter part of 2018 into 2019 a shadow fell over our household due to a parenting fail on our part, especially my part. I underestimated Satan and overestimated our “good” parenting. We set boundaries and we trust our kids. We are involved in our church family and we seek to serve others. God’s Word is present in our home. And yet, vigilance is still needed at all times. I had let a boundary slip. It cost us greatly. It will have lasting consequences. The immediate reaction I had was to “up my game” so to speak. Control and control more. Make sure I had every base covered. Never let my guard down.

Relationships:

There had been some pretty significant changes to some of my relationships that were just hard. Friends that I used to gather with were busy. Friends that I used to confide in were distant. Family members that I pursued closeness with didn’t respond. It was overwhelming. Lonely. My reaction was to separate and be on my own even more. Get busy with my own thing. Not seek people. No getting my heart hurt anymore. Very aloof. Very stand off-ish.

Circumstances:

We faced a pretty big financial mess in 2019. IRS. ‘Nuff said. Dealing with the government is just not fun. Especially when the reason has nothing to do with anything on your part. So, filing paperwork over and over gets old really fast. The effects of this situation spilled over into life as we tightened up on money and made budget adjustments. My husband works hard and doesn’t want to cause me any worry. But, I worry. And I worried a lot in 2019. It affected our home life as I feared that each dollar we spent was digging us further into a mess. As a worried woman, I was a grumpy wife and mom.

That’s my legacy for 2019. Not pretty.

There was a whole lot of ” trust myself” and “fix it myself” in the year and not a whole lot “trust God” and “let God work.”

And as I have thought about the year behind me I can see that I was relying on myself and what I thought I needed to do to make everything just right. It was not a year of victory. Not at all. And before Thanksgiving, into Christmas, and now into this new year God has been whispering to me, “Rely on Me.”

Before 2020 rang in, I sensed a shift happening in me. A calmness was growing. I had taken some serious time in November and December to dig into my Bible more. Pray more. Praise more. Be with my God more. And I took time to look past the failures of 2019 to see the small victories that were present: deeper talks with our children about faith and following God and how to live in this world, church family who picked up where the missing pieces were, simpler living.

God is faithful.

I know that 2020 will come with its own challenges. I know there are situations that are not resolved from the previous year.

But I also know that I don’t step into a new year alone. I have a mighty God, a faithful Father, a forever Friend who loves me and is there to rely on. I am not on my own.

In John 15:1-8, Jesus says:

 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

To remain is to stay put, to abide, to rely. That’s what I want to do this year. I want to rely, for God’s glory.

Have you claimed a “word” for your year? Feel free to share! I pray that you will be yielded to God’s work in your life as 2020 rolls on!